Things To Never Say In A Fight

By Caitrin Sneed on March 13, 2015

These are all things I have said in a fight with a S.O. These are all things you should never say in a fight.

 1. “Well, lets talk about your flaccid penis, then.”

Context is totally not important here. What is important is STAYING ON TOPIC.

When you are having a productive fight with a S.O. even though it can feel like you are having a battle to the death, you are really working out issues and finding a deeper understanding of each other and why the issue in question matters or offends so much.

By changing the topic in an accusatory way you turn the fight from being a productive, natural part of any relationship to being a shit show.

Productive fight = the hurtful things said are hurtful because hearing the truth hurts, but ultimately, knowledge is power and the relationship is stronger because you shared.

Shit Show = the hurtful things said are just hurtful. It can result in the following …

Valentin de Boulogne [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

 2. “Your Mom is someone who’s never even heard of Upton Sinclair!”

Things that were wrong with this.

1) The person I was fighting with had probably never even heard of Upton Sinclair either so this was an insult to both their intelligence and their Mom’s. And I knew that.

 Don’t reference something in a fight that you know your S.O. won’t get. Instead of being productive this slows all communication and undermines honest, equally valued communication between both partners.

2) Rarely is it okay to bring up someone’s Mom in a fight, unless of course you are actively looking for a Shit Show, which in that case go for it, but be forewarned, someone will exit the SS with a new scar (metaphorical or literal – see picture above).

 3. “If you want to impress me then do something impressive!”

Although I still stand by this as being very good life advice,  it’s not a great thing to say after someone has just tried to explain that they’ve been acting off lately because they are just trying to make me proud to be with them.

Read the fight and when it finds a moment of truth and vulnerability, do not keep throwing daggers.

4. I can’t help it that …

Stop. You probably can. Take some responsibility. “I can’t help it that…” can usually be translated as “I don’t want to change that” if we are being honest. Look past the thing that you truly can’t help and get to what the actual problem is.

Yes, you truly couldn’t help it that you had to work last night and then had class this morning but that’s not what your S.O. is actually mad about. They are probably trying to express that they want to spend time with you and wish you would make more time for them in general.

If your S.O. is getting mad at you for something that truly is a part of you then don’t say “I can’t help it that…” say, “well that is something that is not going to change so…”

“I can’t help it that…” stops the conversation and puts solving the problem solely on them. 

 5. “At least if I ran away with the Doctor I would never have to fake it again.” 

The TARDIS

via Rooners Toy Photography on Flickr Creative Commons

Things that are wrong with this.

a. Never compare the love you and your S.O. share to that of Snape and Lily, Rose and the Doctor, Lelaina and Troy in “Reality Bites,” or the Macbeth’s.

First, on reviewing that list, seriously bad shit went down between all of those couples and because of those couples … so my conclusion is – even the fake relationships have problems.

But also, those are all wonderfully FAKE relationships that are amazing to think about but do not exist in reality. If they did, an entire season of “Doctor Who” would focus on the “Internet Search History War” instead of the “Time War.”

Don’t hold your partner to these unrealistic expectations in general, but also in a fight because then instead of having a productive fight where everyone stays rooted in reality you will have “Scar Wars: A New Home … please move out.”

b. If there is actually a sexual issue in your relationship, talk about it. Something as sensitive as that should be a discussion and not a fight.

If someone is working on “it” don’t hurl it at their face during a fight and if you don’t have a sexual issue, stop saying untrue stuff because you’re kind of just being a jerk. Go to kickboxing class or get a journal to get that aggression out–no need to be mean and potentially do harm to the trust that is so important in sex. Don’t criticize sexual performance unless you mean it.

And at the end of the day, know that you can’t say worse things than I do in fights. If you have a similar talent, I suggest learning how to apologize and laugh at yourself.

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